It Will Be Okay

The year was 2014. On a chilly October day the girls and I stood at the water’s edge. We had just walked through a rough patch, the girls’ dad and I. We had kept it quiet but we had a brief separation. Little Eva had taken her first steps with me alone, but I didn’t share that with their father. I was unsure if the marriage would make it, but I hadn’t stopped hoping a change, a miracle would come. I remember loving these girls with all my heart and wanting the best for them, but being so incredibly broken in my soul. I couldn’t fix it. I had truly, truly tried. 2014 was the year I began to see that your compassion for someone else couldn’t exclude yourself. And to this point, mine had. 

Last night I woke up from a dream. It was the one where the girls were taken from me, and I was wailing from the core of my soul. I still feel that pain. I don’t know if I will ever fully heal from what happened in 2017. I can only hope this was part of divine design for who my girls were meant to become. Because the loss of them broke my heart at its core. 

If I could tell this Christy something, honestly the words that “It will be okay” would be merely a whisper. Because while I knew things were shifting - I could already feel that all would be okay even though it hurt so much. The peace in my soul, deep in my soul, was there and it only grew as I felt God carry me through the hardest time of my life. 

Trusting these little lives into the hands of their Creator is hard. They are mine, but also, they do not belong to me. And I have to trust that I am becoming the mother I was intended to be, even if that means not full time. Even if that means being a mother who sometimes still, carries a broken heart missing her girls on the weeks I am not with them. 

I am reminded so much that we have snapshots of time. Snapshots to love, snapshots of life. Oh to cherish each one.  And I trust, I hope and trust, that it will be okay. ❤️

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