Bird Uncaged

Today I honor a memory.   6 years ago yesterday (June 26, 2016) my first marriage ended. I was emotionally broken and stung. I left home to do a scheduled meeting for my team. We had a full group there that day of about 20, and we had a lot to cover. In this picture I’m going through my notes, getting ready to start and unaware that the picture was being taken. I was ready to lead, but my heart was destroyed. And no one knew. But still, I did what I had to do in that moment.  So many of us go through horribly hard things, yet we pick ourselves up and keep going. We do what we have to do. And then there are the other times - the times we just can’t. And that’s totally okay, too. If we will look, seeing what we have gone through makes us stand in awe of ourselves, and of our own strength.  There is also a strength we cannot own. It’s a supernatural strength and a peace that passes understanding. It’s the feeling of being carried. And that’s what I felt. Fear, tremendous sor...

This is a hard one to write. Partly because I still hold tremendous compassion and empathy for a man I loved, and also, some guilt that should not belong to me. Just the title of this blog post grips my heart with tremendous sorrow recalling that moment in time. Commitment was a serious matter to me. When I make a commitment, it is a serious matter because it is my very word. A promise made. When the relationship began I made a choice. I looked at my life as a missionary and all I had planned with that, and the relationship with this man. The road of the missionary, in my mind, was a hard one - uphill with dirt and rock, and few living plants. Conversely, the road of loving a man was by a stream, surrounded by thick green foliage, winding through a forest on level ground. I chose the latter and chose it with all my heart. I saw a man I could love. In the beginning, it was just that - love. But I also saw where I could help. I could make his life better! I could make his life easier. I ...

I was 13 years old. Full of anxiety, and deep, deep emotion. I felt for whatever reason, unloved. I was hurting, and yearning.  I found a book, "The Right Mate" in the church library. I read it, or devoured it really. THIS was what I wanted! I wanted a love like what was described there. I became absolutely obsessed with it, thinking my future Love daily, longing for him, and to be married to him. It was what I wanted most in this world - an intimate and deep love.  It became my heart's yearning and daily prayer: to have this man come into my life. I prayed as a young teen over and over for him to come. How soon could I feasibly get married, I would wonder? 16? What age?  I read the Bible and with a prayerful heart of seeking, I felt that God was speaking to me. "John 15:7," came the thought voice. I went there immediately and read the words that I would echo in my mind for years to come. "If you abide in Me and My words abide in you, you shall ask what you...

Sitting on the front porch of the cabin this morning, on the day after Christmas. Things have changed for me post-COVID. I was shocked to learn I was positive a few weeks ago. How? When? Who? I had no idea. I had been very careful as I always had been, but somehow it found me. I quarantined in my bedroom alone while Jason selflessly took care of the girls solo. We would FaceTime, but it wasn’t the same. My family and his family called and texted us daily to make sure we were okay.  For me, it was horrible. I would lie in bed trying to coach myself just to get up. I didn’t have the strength but I knew I needed to walk and follow the directions of my doctor. I followed instructions to a tee:  gargle several times a day with listerine and use a nasal spray as that is where it populates. Drink water. Take zinc and vitamin D (I had been already.) Take Quercetin. (Never heard of it.) Take a daily aspirin to prevent blood clots. Sleep on your side or stomach so it won’t go into your ...

The year was 2014. On a chilly October day the girls and I stood at the water’s edge. We had just walked through a rough patch, the girls’ dad and I. We had kept it quiet but we had a brief separation. Little Eva had taken her first steps with me alone, but I didn’t share that with their father. I was unsure if the marriage would make it, but I hadn’t stopped hoping a change, a miracle would come. I remember loving these girls with all my heart and wanting the best for them, but being so incredibly broken in my soul. I couldn’t fix it. I had truly, truly tried. 2014 was the year I began to see that your compassion for someone else couldn’t exclude yourself. And to this point, mine had.  Last night I woke up from a dream. It was the one where the girls were taken from me, and I was wailing from the core of my soul. I still feel that pain. I don’t know if I will ever fully heal from what happened in 2017. I can only hope this was part of divine design for who my girls were meant to b...

“I’ve got to go to the store to grab that.”  “Will my daughter be okay in school?”  “The bathroom faucet is leaking.”  “How do we get more customers?”  ... Death.  Does it all silence? What happens to these thoughts hanging in the air?  The world: “We need the make more money.” “Why is everyone fighting?” “Where do we want to move?” “This economy is bad right now.” “I am ready for love!” “Why can’t I get pregnant?” “I hate my life.” “I’m so happy right now!!” Can you hear them? Can you hear all of them?  The billions of thoughts. The questions. The yearnings. The sighings. The frustrations. The pains. The joys. The woes.  Life.  It is a ringing - a miss-mesh of sounds. Thought soup. Questions. Answers. Victories. Losses. Growth. Death. Birth. All happening, all at once, all around us.  The sound of thought was long here before we were born.  The sound of thought will continue when we are gone.  The same feelings. The same thoug...