The Scarlet D

Sitting at the kitchen table, a song came to me, one I had started to love because of the Motown beat. As I sat reading the lyrics I began to sob. The song had nothing to do with my life or my past, but it suddenly occured to me. I still wasn't over it. 

I had told my Love that very thing. He held me as I cried in his arms. I was still deeply wounded over the divorce. As I sat sobbing, asking God to heal my heart. I felt so robbed. I felt robbed of my children, robbed of my heart I had freely given, robbed of my effort and time, and robbed of my personal possessions. Divorce was never a word in my life. It was never an option. But here I sat at the kitchen table knowing I was still hurting from it - hurting because the whole thing was just so unfair. I would forever wear the "Scarlet D" of divorce. And I was so broken and ashamed by that. 

Later, my youngest with sweet, innocent eyes, looked up at me imploringly. "Mommy, will you please get back together with Daddy?" It is the thing she wants most in the world, to have her parents together. My heart broke. This was her burden to carry, and nothing I could do would fix this for her. 

"Baby, I'm so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I wish I could fix this for you, but the fact is that Mommy and Daddy won't be together anymore." I paused as I intently watched her face, so brave. So trusting in the words her mother would tell her.

"Sometimes," I said, "sometimes we don't get what we want. But, in those times, we get what we need. I don't know why your life story contains this part. I never wanted this for you or your sister. Ever. I only wanted a whole, happy life for you. And I did my best - I tried. But I am not able to give that to you. But for some reason, Eva, your life story contains this part. This part that hurts - it will shape you into the woman you're going to become. I don't know why this is your story. It isn't what I wanted for you, but maybe, it is what you needed to become who you were meant to become. 

"What I can give to you is my love. And the love of your daddy. That is never, ever going to change. We will always, always love you."

She rested her head on my chest and sighed, finally laying her burden down. "I love you so much, Mommy," she said. I held her tightly.

I will always wear the Scarlet D. I never wanted to. I never pictured it as a part of my life. Some days it hits me harder than others. Some days the ache of the loss feels like a death. Other days it is simply like my tattoo - it is there and tells a part of the story of my life. 

The Scarlet D of Divorce. 

But also, of Direction. Of Discovery. Of Development. And of Destiny. 

It is part of my life story. If wearing it on top of my clothing through the market places is a symbol to another soul that it will be okay, then that is good enough for me. My tears, my trials, my shame, my fighting - then none of it was in vain. 

My children will know I wear it, but like my tattoo, maybe it will just be another part of me. And me - the totality of me - is who they want and love. And for that, I will stand up proudly and wear it among my other scarlet letters, like those of L and M: 

Love.
And Mommy.

<3