Yeah. I'm gonna fight





"You shouldn't use that word, 'fight'. It just brings negativity into your life. Go in with peace and warmth. The outcome will be better!" she said, from her comfortable couch in her warm home surrounded by her children.

Fight. I tossed the word around. Should you fight? Her words didn't sit well with me. Not in the least. When a person has their children ripped away from them, when a person is full of fear that something isn't right, when a person knows the truth but says nothing - that is not the time to approach with warmth. It's the time to fight.

I had tried the warmth. For 11 years I had tried the warmth. 

There was a problem? Okay I will work to change so that never happens again, but you don't have to because as you said, clearly this was my fault. 
They felt uncomfortable? Okay I will make the adjustments so you can feel more comfortable. 
They did something that hurt me, but want to shift the focus onto something I did a few years ago to justify why they did it? Okay I will take the blame for that, and for this present situation. I guess it was deserved. 
They refused intimacy and got offended when I asked? Okay I understand and I will shelve my needs to put yours first. 
They decided I was the fault for many things, and emotionally berated me for hours for it all? Okay I will keep working on myself to become better and still hold out hope that things will change. I will stop crying if you will please start speaking to me again.
They lied to keep up appearances? Okay even though I hold honesty highest of all, I will say nothing so that I can avoid your wrath later. 
They threaten to abandon me, even right after we said, "I do"? Okay I will try to convince you I am worthy enough to stay with you, because I take commitment and my vows I made to you and before God seriously. 

Yeah. I tried the warmth. Eventually it crumbled me to the ground until I had nothing left. 

Yeah. I'm gonna fight. Because I'm mad as hell for every woman who believes everything wrong is her fault. 

When you know the truth, but stay silent you give power to the ones who abuse others. You give power to falsehoods. You give power to the pain inflicted upon others. And with my heart for my children, I am absolutely going to fight for them.

I recently watched a video of an abused woman as she was interviewed by police. She took the blame. "Did he hit you?" "Yes, but I hit him first," she said. They suggested they separate for the night. She started crying that she didn't want to, and just thinking of that separation brought her so much anxiety. 

I remember that feeling. Anxiety. You know it's painful, you know being there hurts, but you're scared to leave, scared to be alone. You love them, they are your security because it doesn't exist inside of you on your own. Your mind and heart are so entrenched in it - you're so invested. In your heart of hearts you know you can change and get better. Maybe you truly are at fault and he wouldn't be so angry if you would just tow the line better. You can do it! Just keep working on it. 

And one day if you're lucky, you wake up and realize it was never your fault, it was never going to get better, and you were never meant to be in an emotional cage or fence when you're in a relationship with someone. 

Fight? Yeah I'm gonna fight. Not just for me, not just for my girls, but for every person who doesn't feel like they have a voice, for every person who still does not know that they are in a sinking ship. 
<3


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