Fear


The more you know, the more prepared you can be. This is true. But it also brings more fear.

Tonight I am gripped with it. This week - this week was one of the hardest weeks I have had with the girls. Emotions ran high. "I am handling this as best as I can. But it's not enough," I thought. I needed help, outside help. I sought learning from those who have walked this path before me. It shed light on what I was dealing with, and it only made the reality of it worse. This is a much bigger demon than I had ever imagined. Even when it started, I saw how huge it was. But now, I had no idea.

(Why do I talk in vagueness? So cryptically? What cannot I be plain? I will tell you why. I guard my words to protect, to protect 2 little lives. I feel my voice needs to be heard, but I also feel more passionately that lives need to be protected.)

And tonight, well tonight I have fear. Fear of what is to come, fear of what is now, and fear of what damage has already been done. Once again I worry about my body. How long will I be able to keep not only the pace of a business and family, but the pace of the stress of dealing with these things relating to my girls? I don't know. Therein is another fear.

Do I trust? Yes. I think the "fix it" person would be up to bat next to say, "Christy, you need to TRUST!! Believe God! That is what you should do!"

Yeah. I do. Ultimately. But it's one thing to trust, it's another to know when the next blow will come and to be prepared for it. To know what defense I need to present, how to think through the next battle with strategy, because it is surely coming. I promise you, in this case, that blow is surely coming.

I've never been in the military. And I've never fought in combat. I don't know one tenth of what that is like. But I also cannot imagine that while sitting in those foxholes, those soldiers didn't have fear. And why shouldn't they? It may be the very thing that keeps them alive.

Tomorrow is the day I talk strategy. Tomorrow is the day it begins again for a new run at what is ahead. But tomorrow is also a day where I face more reality. And more fear. 

So today, today I embrace it. I embrace the fear surrounding my heart and soul. I embrace the reality that this is my path to walk, whether I want to walk it or not. 

And somehow, somehow it will all be okay. 

When saving the above picture to my computer, Fear isn't the word that most resonated with me. It was, in fact, Courage. Courage is what I have found inside myself each time a new battle lays at my feet. And honestly, I, even I, have been amazed and inspired by it. 

Fear will continue to return. The waves will oftentimes continue to overwhelm me.

In turn, I will continue to grow. I will to continue to grow in faith, and continue to walk forward in courage. And that is the best we can do.

<3




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