The Missing Heartbeat



"I'm depressed and angry," I had said.

"I see what is happening," he said. He held me close as the sobs came and tears rolled down my face. "This is the first time you've had a chance to sit and be still to think about it. It's finally hitting you."

"I'm a good mom!!" I sobbed. "Why do my babies keep getting taken from me??"

He held me tightly as I shook with sobs. "They don't," he said. "It seems that way. The first instance was someone with an agenda. This second was just something that happened. It wasn't meant to be right now."

The man with the beautiful heart had proposed on 2/22/19. We married on 3/9/19 because, well, why wait? We found out that we were pregnant on 5/1/19. On 5/9/19 we found out that we were 6 weeks, 6 days pregnant, having conceived sometime in early April. And on 5/22/19 we found out that our excitement was to be contained. The heartbeat we had excitedly seen on the screen two weeks prior, was gone. It was silent. The heartbeat was missing.

My thoughts had been there. I didn't want to admit it, but they had. The name we had chosen if it were a boy had its meaning all over it. "The one who would supplant or replace." The name hadn't been picked for that reason but when I saw it, I felt it. I had seen it. THIS would be the baby that I could be with every day of his or her life. THIS would be the baby that wouldn't be taken from me. And in a way, I took ownership of this little life and possessed it. And immediately now, I saw it. I could no more possess a life any more than I would want to be possessed. And now checked on it, I am okay with that.

But okay with the rest, I don't know. Restlessness. When the girls are here life is busy. Full. It's a mom life. Laughter. Tears. "Pick up your room." "Put your clothes away." "Remove the toys out of the walkway." "Did you do your homework?" It's life. Conversations. Frustrations. Joys. Dinner. Baths. In the groove. Busy.

And then each time, it's yanked away.

Another week starts. The 50/50 schedule and suddenly the house is quiet. Too quiet. Tears roll down my face as I stare at their made-up beds that are undisturbed. Just yesterday my oldest was swinging from the top bunk. Now no one is there.

And this sucks. This truly, totally, 100% sucks.

Why can't I be there every day? I want to raise them! I am their mother! I didn't sign up for part-time. I signed up for life. I signed up for it all!

"Maybe you can just stay with me," I hinted to the girls at custodial pickup. "Mommy," my oldest sang. "You know you have to share!!" I know. But I don't want to.

And then this. This baby. The surprise and the joy of knowing that I was pregnant again. I had been told by a woman we would have a baby and that his sisters would love him. I had been told by a friend she dreamed I was pregnant. I had seen it in my mind. I had even heard it spoken.

And life. Life was busy now. A booming new business. Another business needing attention as well. Two girls adjusting to their now stepdad and learning to love him. A man learning to be an instant father with a new career as business partner with me, in a new state, newly married. So many changes flying at us both so fast. Yes I was told of that, too. It would all be so fast.

And my Love told me. He told me he was sad, but also a little, relieved. "I know you. You face any challenge and walk right up to it and prepare to go through it. You can handle it. But it would have been so much. With the business right now and all we have going on - it would have been so much."

And still stubbornly, I stand. It needs to happen right away! my mind shouts. Because I have limited time! My body won't be able to do this for much longer!

Still, as a million times before, I have to trust. I have to trust. Even if it means I will never again be a full-time Mommy. Even if it means I will have to walk this life with a constant pain in my heart knowing that these little loves of mine will never be in my arms forever. I'm not sure why this is my lot to carry. I am so wired to be a mother. But for whatever reason - this is what I must walk right now - this forever scar sending pain throughout my heart.

So this post is dedicated to the little angel who left us this week. The little angel who was only 8 weeks old and who's name I do not know. We wanted you. We were excited for you. And now, we will miss you. Watch over us. Help comfort our hearts. I am sad I will not get to know you, but you will always be with me in my heart. And I will always love you, too. Your heartbeat is missing now, but mine will continue to beat for yours. I thank you for being with us for the short time that you were. And I wish you did not have to go. <3


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