The Wild Horse ... That Grooms Herself

That is what he had said to me. Almost a year ago. My Love had said I was a wild horse that groomed herself. His words couldn't be more true.

As I began my journey of freedom - freedom from abuse, cages and fences, I discovered not just more of what I desired but more of who I was. And that, in the form of animals. What animal could I identify with? As I tossed the question around in my mind, it became clear to me that I couldn't claim just one. It was three - a bird, a tiger, and a wild horse. And interestingly, all three of those animals can, and often are, caged, bridled, or fenced. 

The one that spoke the most to me was the horse. I could write for the horse. And going through the initial healing days and months, it was the one that had a voice, especially learning to run again without a saddle, without a fence, and without an owner who hated her.

As I ran along the beach of Assateague Island, often I would see them, the wild ponies that would walk along the beach. (Even now as I sit typing in my little cabin on the side of a mountain in the woods, my heart pulls and tears well up to think of it. Home. Berlin, Maryland. It is the first place my heart felt truly at home - wanted to call my home. Healing came to me as I stood by the water's edge and breathed in the ocean air. Love - love I had dreamt of all of my life - found me there. My roots sank deep into the ground there, and I decided to never pull them up.) Those wild ponies seemed to reflect back to me how I saw myself. Free.

Learning to be free when one is once caged or imprisoned - even imprisoned in the mind - is not an easy feat. There are waves of triggers that come. They will always come. I've learned to be okay with that. Before Love came, I dealt with them by throwing myself head-on into the panic. Not knowing how to be free is much like being on a boat in the middle of the ocean without an oar. You don't know where you are going, or how to get there anyway. For a goal-oriented person, this was the most distressing feeling. Still, over time, I learned I had to simply trust. Trust the Universe that I would be okay. Trust there was healing on the other side. Trust that being in the middle of that water - even when panic filled my soul - that I would be able to embrace and love the panic, too.

Then Love came, and he was and is patient and kind. Early on I had to learn not to cling to him. I had to fill my own cup. There were days that he did not show up to my barn - the barn where he spent time with me, petted and calmed me, and fed me. Those days I ran around anxiously looking for him, until I began to trust his coming again. And he did. Much to my surprise, he kept coming to see this wild horse that often bucked in the air, and he was never afraid of her fears. I couldn't believe he would still want to come to the barn - I kept waiting for him to disappear into the night when clearly he should have had enough. But he never did. Maybe, just maybe, he needed the wild horse (even with all her troubles) as much as she needed him. He just calmed her down by gently speaking to her, and that became enough until the wild horse in me no longer bucked into the air. And I am still amazed and humbled by it. 

Why me? Why would he choose to be with me? The girl with pained eyes, the girl with troubles and two little girls in tow. Still, he did. And every day I wake up knowing he chose me, chose this life with me. And it humbles me to my core with appreciation, love and gratitude. 

What does it mean to be a wild horse that grooms herself? I have had to do it my whole life. Perhaps that is why some people are drawn and cling to me. I have done the quiet work privately. I have walked through fire, battled demons in the night, stepped up on the mountain top alone to meet with God, and done the work myself. I have taken care of those who could not care for themselves. I served. I gave what I had from a cup I had to fill on my own. I never expected to receive because I got it from my own sources.

Until him. He was a giver, too. I had to learn to receive. To be fed, to be groomed. I had to learn to trust and to accept his help as I feebly watched him take my daughters' hands in his own. 

The wild horse that grooms herself is a beautiful thing. It is about personal strength, adversity and growth. Learning to walk with a man - a Bird that wants to give just as much - this is also a beautiful thing. It is humbling, and it is divinity on earth.

Cages, fences, saddles and whips. They will never be forgotten. They will shape my life now until its end. But so does love. Love. Compassion. Forgiveness. And ... freedom. I want it for me, for my Love, for my daughters, and yes - for every one of those who held me captive. I truly loved them. I gave all I had. I wanted only the best for them. I poured freely from my cup and emptied it, I gave until I had nothing left to give. All I have now is what is left. The open sky. The sea that spreads out as far as the eye can see. 

Love, and Freedom. 

And I hope and pray with all of my heart - with great waves of love and compassion - that one day all of them, every single soul that walks the earth, will learn that they are worthy of being loved. That every single soul will be able to run with the wind in his hair and pure joy in her heart. That every single soul will walk, run, leap, dance and fly. That every single soul would indeed know and be, free.