Loss.
Today. I couldn't figure it out. Why was I so stuck? Why did I feel like I couldn't do ANYTHING? The emotion. It would surge in me, and then gone again into black nothingness - numbness. Even now.
My children. They have been ripped from me, unjustly ripped from me. And I have to wait for the judicial system to hopefully right the wrong. I cannot go and take them although they are rightfully mine. I cannot see them, speak with them because one person blocks me. It seems so unbelievably unfair. And so unbelievably insane.
I am a good mother. No - I am an excellent mother, a beyond excellent mother. I have never done anything that would cause this tearing, this loss. So why then? How did it come to this? Because I decided I wanted a life of freedom from cages. I wanted a life full of peace. I wanted to live a life that I could with integrity, model before my girls to say "THIS is what love is. THIS is what respect is. THIS is how you should expect to be treated and accept nothing less."
So, there were lies. Lies that were told in the court that day in August that caused my children to be ripped from me. Those lies the judge believed even though I wept and with my eyes pleaded him to believe me. "If I tell the truth," I had thought, "everything will be okay." But it wasn't okay. It wasn't that way at all. My understanding of justice and truth took a whole new turn.
It took six months later for me to provide evidence to prove those lies were false, but I had to subject myself to unbelievable abuse to get that proof. Even so, I still have to wait. No changes would be made until the final hearing, the judge had said.
Loss.
Too many days without my being able to see or speak to my children. Too many videos of my crying to my children, videos they will not see until they are older. Too many. To be a mother and to have your children unjustly ripped away. How can I explain what this feels like??
And then, miracles in the midst of it. Like manna from heaven. Daily bread. I would be carried these months as spiritually I felt myself lifted by what seemed like magical forces at times. I cannot explain it. I just count them as miracles. People enveloped around me with love. Joy unspeakable, un-understandable that a new life awaited me. And freedom, and the hope of a better second chapter of life.
There has been joy. Unbelievable joy. Especially considering what I have walked these past months. And the joy, well it came in the form mostly, usually, in the form of a man. A man who fell from heaven as it seemed. A man that surprised me. A man with ripped and torn jeans, a man with a long beard and wind wild hair, a man whose sunglasses hid blue eyes that were as beautiful as the sea. Somehow we were two people who were destined to meet on the beach that day.
His strong arms held me. His hands caressed my face. His words consoled me. His thoughts mesmerized me. His integrity humbled me. His love amazed me and swept me off my feet.
And now we face a new chapter. A new direction. Oddly, I was the one who was supposed to be moving back west. Not him, but here it is. It is all well planned, I think. The Universe (or the French gods, as he calls them) had a hand in it from the beginning. This was all according to plan.
But as I walked the apartment complex, I wept. Memories flooding me. We had just a couple more weeks left. And it felt like another loss. We loved each other, we wanted to be together. We in fact, wanted a future together. But it was another loss. The loss of proximity. The loss of time.
So I gave myself inner grace. Inner relief in my wondering what was happening to me. It was another change. As if I didn't have more huge ones coming - this was one more. And it would somehow, be okay.
Loss.
It's a simple, short word, but so, so heavy. It is an act of losing, it is a feeling of grief. Pain. "Pain is like eating your vegetables," he had said. "You have to do it."
But there is another four letter word. It is hope. And I hold it. I hold it for my girls. I hold it for my future. I hold it for this love. Hope.
Loss exits, but it exists alongside hope. And that is all I can ask for. It is all we can ever ask for in the place of loss. <3
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